BLEEAUURRRGH!!! It’s a jump scare to wake anyone out of hibernation, running for safety behind the sofa. What a way to start the year! APF records present “A Crash Course in Terror”, the debut album from TORSO. Formed from the smouldering corpse of Possessor by that band’s Graham Bywater (frontman/guitarist), TORSO skulk in a murky Grindhouse nightmare.
Are you sitting comfortably? Then we’ll begin. ‘Heads Start to Roll’ introduces the album with a John Carpenter-esque, menacing, keyboard-led theme which immediately unsettles the listener. Then the chainsaw guitars cut through, the song erupts, and the listener is dragged along by the scalp in a ferociously paced fairground ride from hell.
The retro, electro keyboard themes dotted throughout help to set this album apart in its own fuzzy VHS world. Spooky instrumentals like ‘Pranks’, ‘Depth Charge’ and ‘Death TV’ add a dread atmosphere, part prog and part video nasty soundtrack.
‘Sinking Spell’ is like The Melvins rocking out to a Texas Chainsaw Massacre back projection. The lo-fi, raw sound of the heavier numbers keeps everything within the TORSO world: ‘Precious Blood’ could be a punked up hybrid of Angel Witch and Electric Wizard. Finally, the epic ‘Circuit Breaker Breaker’ has a B-movie, doom metal fury that sounds as if the final survivor is running for their life from a vicious psycho killer.
My only complaint with this album is that at just 30 minutes, it’s a little short – I’d have loved another 5 minutes of mayhem. But at least “A Crash Course in Terror” is to the point. That’s much preferable to yet another 80 minute Metallica album – I haven’t finished listening to all the songs on their last record yet…
“A Crash Course in Terror” by TORSO. A fantastic, gruesome recording and a perfect start to the year. Can 2023 get any better?
“Empires of Ash” is the new album from Heron, and if you like the sludge, this is gonna be one for you. It’s the band’s third full length album, and you’ll know when you listen that there’s a whole mountain load of experience brewed up in this mighty concoction. Experience, plus what seems like a lifetime’s worth of melancholy and frustration given voice through huge, expansive slabs of atmospheric thunder.
Starting with ‘Rust and Rot’, Heron take us on a 9 minute plus odyssey encompassing thudding drums and menacing guitar. Vocals are guttural and brutal, the end result is a thrilling wade through a sludgey mire. Contrast this to the second track, ‘The Middle Distance’: a sombre yet beautiful (yes, you read that right) epic, which only erupts into molten fury after the three-minute mark. When the vocals come in, you’ll drop your pint.
‘Hauntology’ is another epic, and very aptly titled. Eerie yet calm and pensive, till again it builds to an enthralling outburst. ‘Hungry Ghosts’ is a more ruthless amalgamation of Conan with later period Danzig guitar flash. The final track, ‘With Dead Eyes’ has a melodic entrance, and once more decimates with a powerful vocal.
Whether it’s doom, sludge, post-rock or any other shade of metal, there’s a wide variety of styles and influences on this album. I was lulled into a relaxed haze before being startled awake with fiery exultations on several occasions. Heron have really gone all out with “Empires of Ash” to create a record that is unique and imaginative.
Ozzy had trouble with a heron. He’d just had a new pond built on his farm, and one bird kept gorging on Oz’s expensive ornamental Koi carp. One night, we decided to lay ambush and surprise the heron with a siren and a shot gun when it flew in at dawn for breakfast. Bill Ward fell asleep, so we floated him out on the water on an inflatable raft, as he snored under the moonlight. When the heron arrived, I sounded the siren, Oz fired his gun into the air and Bill woke up startled, then fell into the pond screaming “I can’t swim!”. Oh, we did laugh. The bird flew off, never to be seen again.
All good things must come to an end. Even in the case of Star Wars figures, the magic wouldn’t last forever. Wave three of the figures following Return of the Jedi would prove to be the last – in that line at least.
Star Wars toys began to wane in popularity, with no new films on the horizon, and kids were tempted by newer ideas, like bloody Transformers. No, I wasn’t onboard with that at all.
In the UK back in 1985 or thereabouts, these last figures began to show up on Tri-Logo cards, with the film name replicated in three languages. Truth be told, I thought I was getting a bit old for toys at this point, but I was determined to collect them all. Luckily, the prices fell dramatically, I was able to acquire most of them from a local Tesco for £1.59. Most, but not all, as we shall see.
There were stories of bags of these figures being sold (without card) for a pound each. Which is crazy. Because these last figures, which no one bought, are by far the rarest and most expensive now.
If you have a loose Boba Fett figure and you think he’s rare – and therefore worth a fortune – you’re wrong. No matter what the Antiques Roadshow claimed all those years ago. These last 17 are the hard to find figures that collectors want.
First off, let’s take a look at Luke Skywalker (Battle Poncho). The Leia with poncho figure from the previous wave was a genuinely great effort, but this Luke is a disappointment. His helmet is fixed on his head, unlike Leia’s, meaning that removing the poncho does not yield a Luke for later film scenes. Plus, there’s no lightsaber – just a blaster (which he doesn’t even use in this scene). Poor start.
Next up: Han Solo in Carbonite Chamber. Brilliant! I never had Fett’s Slave 1 ship when I was a kid, with the Han in carbonite accessory. Now I had one! People may grumble about Han’s neck here, but I love this figure. Also useable for Sarlaac Pit scenes etc because Han is separate to the carbonite block.
Cool tip: procure a piece of red coloured card/paper. Cut the card to the shape and size of the carbonite block. Place Han inside the block, then the red card behind him. Shine a torch from behind and it looks just like Han is melting out of the carbonite! Try it.
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Lando Calrissian General Pilot is a very cool looking action figure. A good likeness, especially for the time. The soft goods cloak is removable, so he can sit in the Millenium Falcon with Nien Nunb (sold separately, see previous blogs). Be careful though, you DO NOT want to tear this valuable accessory!
The A-Wing Pilot was a strange addition to the range, as far as I was concerned. That was because I didn’t know that Kenner did actually release the A-Wing starfighter. I didn’t know this till the mid 1990s. I don’t know if any ever made it to retail in the UK. Still, another pilot for the ROTJ briefing scene.
R2-D2 with Pop Up Lightsaber: oh dear. What a waste of an opportunity. R2 is my favourite figure of all time, but did we ever need this version? The lightsaber when it pops out is too short and has a bulbous end. This R2 is not the droid I’m looking for. Also, I have to admit here, that I somehow lost my original lightsaber and replaced it with a repro one years later. I was shocked to find that the lightsaber had disappeared after years being safely stored away.
One of the best figures in the entire Kenner range, in my opinion, Luke Skywalker in Stormtrooper Outfit is just fantastic. I snapped him up as soon as I saw him. A genius idea, a leap forward in toy design, perfect. Luke shows where the line could have gone next, with no new films. For years I wished for a Han Solo in Stormtrooper outfit to accompany Luke, but the line died too soon.
Han Stormtrooper – or Tarkin, or any number of cantina aliens – may have been preferable to Anakin Skywalker. He’s only in one scene. Still, a nice likeness of actor Sebastian Shaw.
Ewoks next. Four, in fact: this wave was chock full of ’em. Technically, Paploo and Lumat were released slightly earlier in the US I believe, but still, this is overkill. Paploo is a nice, accurate sculpt though. I’ve got them in the wrong order in the photo above: Paploo is on the left, but Lumat is on the far right.
Romba and Warok, our last two Ewoks, caused me many, many sleepless nights. They were the only two figures I never got round to buying from the enitre range. By 1986, all of these figures had long since disappeared. I’d buying one a week with pocket money and eventually these two could not be found. Cue recurring dreams of being in a toy shop, swamped with new figures, while I panicked that I hadn’t completed the old set yet. Sad but true. Eventually, years later as a University student, I found Warok and Romba at a car boot sale and bought them for a pound each, happily thanking the previous owner for helping me end my quest. The dreams stopped immediately.
Note: no weapons with the last two Ewoks as they were bought second hand, that’s a spare Wicket spear that Romba is holding.
The Empire representation is a mixed bag in this wave. The Imperial Gunner is a cool looking figure, and a welcome addition to the troops. The Imperial Dignitary, on the other hand, gets a lot of flack for being a boring and seldom seen character in the film. Fair point, but I like the background figures to fill out the scenes, so I don’t mind him. Would’ve been cooler to have Tarkin at last though, or Han Stormtrooper!
Jabba’s henchmen round out the rest of this wave. I’ve always been a big fan of these type of characters, so Barada was very welcome. EV-9D9 is a rare occurence of a minor character with a speaking part actually getting a figure. This toy is very detailed and accurate, with a neat moving jaw to enable her to “talk”.
Amanaman is a ridiculously cool figure, but very strange. He’s very difficult to spot on the old VHS tape version of Jedi, and his bizarre design confused me – was he actually in the movie? Yes, he was – very briefly. Bonkers design, plus that amazing head-hunter staff make this figure a must have.
Finally, the legendary Yak Face. He wasn’t released in the USA, and despite not being that exciting a character, his rarity is immense. Even loose, Yak Face goes for a fair few quid these days – I bought him for £1.59 back in 85. I’ve still got the card. If he was intact on that card, oh boy… £££! Not that I’d sell him. The Tri-logo version never came with the weapon, but I have a spare so included it here.
And there we have it. The final Kenner/Palitoy wave of Star Wars action figures. Not long after these toys disappeared from store shelves, I’d wander onto other interests that would occupy me (right up till current times!), like skateboarding and music. The Star Wars figures were a huge part of my childhood though, and I’m so happy I still have them.
Of course, Star Wars toys weren’t gone forever. The mid 1990s would see the franchise return, and I’d be right there when it did. Really, the magic never ends.
May the Force be with you!
Please note: all figures are original 1980s Kenner versions. All accessories are original, except where noted.
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